Duty to society AND self

I have come to conclude that I truly do not beliveve in coincidences. The interconnectedness of the events in my life cannot possibly be credited to chance! While yesterday's entry sparked the beginning of the turning over of a new heavy leaf (the kind that sits on your chest like a baby grand), I knew very well that I was just declaring the change and will not be loosed of the baby grand till I've managed a leverage that can slowly pry it off of me.

This is a new thought that applies intimately to my current situation:

Sometimes, when we feel like we are taking on the burden of a personal problem, let the baby grand park its weight directly on top of our consciousness, we think we are doing the right thing. The Bible even tells us to forgive, and Lauryn Hill sang it beautifully even when she said, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." All of these indicators point toward forgiving others. At church one time a certain Pastor Steve delivered an entire sermon on forgiveness stating that if you forgive someone you must also ask for their forgiveness for not having forgiven. Which made sense to me at the time. But I think I can say about myself especially that we forget to forgive ourselves. I think of the piano as a just punishment and that I can bear the silent burden. Here is where the new thought comes in:
Say that this piano is not just your piano and you're not the only person who is under it. How selfish would it be to continue living underneath this heavy burden without even trying to help others out from under it?

Now your personal problem is no longer just your problem. And if you do not handle it accordingly, you are being selfish.

With regard to what was written yesterday, I'd like to make an amendment. There are not two dichotomous options as to how to move on post conflict. In one article I read today from the United Nations Human Rights news it said that "...studies conclude that if justice and accountability are to underpin the quest for durable peace and security, they must apply to women too. The studies point to an urgent need to re-think what has been created in the fields of formal justice and post-conflict social and economic order." Justice AND accountability. Peace AND security. Social AND economic order.

Prosecute AND heal? Maybe this is a better approach.
Today, I am consulting with an excellent criminal lawyer to see if this is the best option. Because apparently the new leaf of a baby grand piano is not just weighing heavily on me.

Apparently, one has a duty to society AND self to prosecute those who have wronged them. (This I am learning.)

A Pye Nou Ye

In the spirit of the holiday season, I'm making a special blogging attempt:

Today it starts. It is always said that- you're not done till you're done. So I've decided I'm finally done with bad habits and my rebelwithoutacause ways.

In the book "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk he says that "until you find something to fight for, you settle for something to fight against." I think this characterizes our adolescence, and sometimes lingers into adulthood. I've finally managed to put an aim to certain projects and ideas (that I seem to produce in excess, but less of which manifest). Of course, I will still be fighting against things- injustice, bureaucracy, the powers that be- but I will transform this restlessness into a more constructive energy.

Countries in which terrible crimes against humanity have occurred have options to safeguard their human rights: reconciliation, the reconstruction of a collective memory so that history will not repeat itself; and persecution that itself, serves a similar purpose of retribution. I think once you make the distinction as to which serves your purpose, then you're making steps forward. Do you count your losses and begin to heal- OR- do you try to take down those who have wronged you? As I undergo transformation with disposable New Year's Resolutions to loosely structure the dawning of a new year of incredible adventure and possibility bubbling just under the surface, I recall a saying I learned a few years ago at the Haitian Church I used to (and sometimes still do) attend:

A PYE NOU YE.

It sounds like you're saying "Happy New Year!" with an accent, but it translates to- "We are on our feet," which is what everyone says to each other, to say that at least we are still on our feet.

The 9-5pm grind may have mellowed me considerably, and "practicality" makes frequent cameos is conversations and future planning, but I have not lost the fight in me. I approach the new year through an adult lens that is panoramic in scope. I'm fighting against complacency and for all of the things I believe in, which are many. But I'm still standing, which means I have a lot to truly be grateful for. Turning potential into kinetic this new year... still standing.

Bail out before sinking!

When I hear the term "economic bail out," I conjure a very vivid image.

That is, I picture the numerous occasions when my sister and I had to take plastic cups and empty our 11-foot whaler of the salt water the bilge had failed to remove. I don't remember it being a terrible task, as childhood tasks hardly were. My father, then Commander in Chief calmly instructed us, and only the blazing sun made beads of sweat form on his gleaming bald head. There was no antsy sense of urgency or panic, and I never once thought that if I was not quick enough our tiny boat would sink. I cannot, however, say the same for our monstrous American ship. Impervious? Had George W. Bush also designed the Titanic with insufficient space amongst life boats for all its passengers?

Now we see the iceberg. Big business owners board the lifeboats first.

Bush had wanted to avoid getting involved; sitting on his hands: An example of lasseiz-faire, which in French means "allow to do," and in American means "Full speed ahead!" Luckily, McCain, presidential hopeful, (almost) placed his patriotic duty to serve our struggling nation ahead of debating Senator Obama. I guess he thought it optimal to have all the US's best politicians huddled in a room talking economics instead of helping the world to continue in its rotation. George Bush addressed the nation with a tone of urgency, calling forth presidential hopefuls as Americans first, leaving politics out of "what's best for our country," while they attempted to put together a band aid bill for Congress. The initial bill was rejected, a bail out package both parties marked "return to sender."

More financial distress could lead more banks to fail, the stock market to drop further, businesses to close, to job losses and home values to drop, our Commander in Chief said. "And, ultimately, our country could experience a long and painful recession," Bush said. "Fellow citizens, we must not let this happen."

While I do have an active imagination, I still cannot picture John McCain with a plastic cup working to clear the bilge. And G.W. behind the wheel while the iceberg is in plain sight? Shouldn't we fix the boat, said to be superior to all other boats that has Haitians, Cubans, and other immigrants swimming across oceans to board? Instead we are asking that Obama, McCain, Bush, and other important political advisers get down in the oval office and begin to bail.

With my family the solution was simple- we sold the boat.
Maybe a new owner would be able to fix what we couldn't. As for our country, it is even more obvious that things simply can't stay the way they are.

(Obama,) S.O.S.!

My future's here.

I wrote this poem at the end of last year, prior to finishing my credits abroad, walking across the stage for that diploma holder, and hypothetical graduation. When it seemed as though my future would smack me square between the eyes, it came more like a sickness, causing cerebral atrophy and depleting my adventurous energy. My daily job helps to accumulate money, but living with my parents and suffering a very routinized transition into adulthood, early to bed and early to rise, widdles away at my ebullience.

So I will pursue my passions if work has not tired me out too much to pick up a paintbrush. I will involve myself with current events so even if I am not connected with my peers I can be connected with our struggling nation. I will try not to feel too overwhelmed. Maybe if I try hard enough I can make poetry out of the mundane and fashion art out of lukewarm, dreadful consistency. I have to consider this a passage and not an impasse. I hope adulthood does not mean always needing to make practical decisions. I struggle between apathy and restlessness, finding that with me there is just no grey area. I wrote the following poem before I knew how my "future" would be. Perpetually hopeful, I still wonder.

My future’s here.

Near sighted-
The inability to see far-
Day by day- test to task-
Stay whelmed.
Not over, or under-whelmed,
Enthused: yet another situation defused
To my physical being- abused-
A reprieve usually sexual healing-
But backward reeling, hedonistic dealings-
I am nearsighted and cannot see far.

Near sighted-
Inability to see far-
Moment to moment- pedal to metal-
Be optimistic
Plan, leave room for error,
Smile no matter what-
Stuck in a rut? So what?
Groping, feeling in the darkness for a path-
The road less traveled is a happy trail
More sexual healing:
Sexual reprieve-
In what system do I believe?
Bursts of faith are few and far between.
Bursts of emotion are more numerous and from between
Legs that tremble.
Faith waivers too.
Near sighted, feeling slighted-
Future hits with no time for wrongs to be righted.
I am nearsighted and cannot see far.

Near sighted-
Can’t see far-
Can’t think far-
Can’t plan far-
Can’t wish far-
Just amass scars-
Prepare for the next phase-
Countdown days that will inevitably come-
Tune in to electricity hum,
White noise to drown out reality-
Headphones plug in socially constructed self
Computer zombie suffers diminishing health,
Sits alone with dilated eyes,
Until outside shrinks them down to size-
Eyes on the prize- means really one foot ahead of the other-
Keeping head from falling over heels-
Documenting how it feels
As sexual experiences accrue
Not much else to do, but everything
Ameliorate the sting-
Passion depletes when systems demand you care less
Trying your best,
Is not good enough.
Take advantage of an opportunity-
And you’ll see-
I am nearsighted and cannot see far,
And as soon as far is near, my future’s here.

Times are changing

I have never seriously considered blogging, having spent years faithful to a series of medium-sized five star notebook journals. But if there is anything that can be definitively stated of our world today, it is that times are changing.

Let them pass you by, run you over, or slap you upside your consciousness? (No.)
Sometimes it may appear that I don't care: I may seem crude or abrasive.
However, not caring is hardly something to which I can plead guilty. Honestly, I care too much.

This world is not fashioned to accommodate the "carers" and is better at encouraging ego-centrism, entrepreneurship, looking out for number one. And this is only worsening with time.

Times surely are changing, so when the only option is survival- explode or implode, I choose the former. Consider this the start to a full-fledged explosion.

Look out, World!